Blessed to Read Inspired Work

“But to evade the Son of Man, to look the other way, to pretend you haven't noticed, to become suddenly absorbed in something on the other side of the street, to leave the receiver off the telephone because it might be He who was ringing up, to leave unopened certain letters in a strange hand- writing because they might be from Him - this is a different matter. You may not be certain yet whether you ought to be a Christian; but you do know you ought to be a Man, not an ostrich, hiding its head in the sand.” – Man Or Rabbit: C.S. Lewis

I used to think that going to church every Sunday with my family was all I needed to do…when I was a child. Then my Grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. Every Sunday I went to church I prayed and prayed that she would get well. I thought that the building of the church was where God lived, and that I could only pray there. She died when I was nine, and I didn’t understand why God didn’t make her well again. I prayed in his house, why didn’t he answer?

Now that I’m older I realize that it is not my will, but God’s that matters most in this world. At that age, however, I decided to act out. I told my parents that I no longer wanted to go to church. I did not want to go to the place where I felt I had been betrayed. Fortunately, my parents made a deal with me. I needed to go to church, but I did not have to stay for Sunday school.

Now, I know this is unconventional, but I am grateful that my parents allowed me some leeway as far as church was concerned. I was at a point in my faith journey where I needed to take ownership of my faith and truly understand it. I couldn’t rely on my church family to shelter my faith for me any longer, now that I had realized that life was more than sunshine, and that faith was something that needed to be a personal project.

I’m still on that journey. I know that my faith journey is not a conventional one, and I am still growing, though that growth is at my own pace. I originally started by rebuilding my faith from the bottom up. I argued for the existence of God, which came hand in hand with morality. How could I have a sense of what is right or wrong if there was nothing to show me and hold me accountable for the wrong? Philosophically, I guess you could say that I became a strong moralist.

When reading Man or Rabbit, I was struck by this quote, as it was something I hadn’t thought about before. “Morality is indispensable: but the Divine Life, which gives itself to us and which calls us to be gods, intends for us something in which morality will be swallowed up.” I’m still coming to grips with the amount of work I have before me. I had never made the connection that morality, or at least an over attention to morality for morality’s sake could hinder the journey to “divine life.”

I think that more than anything I am grateful for the experiences I have had building faith from almost zero. Things like Man or Rabbit awaken in me thoughts I would never have had if I had not needed to grab hold of my beliefs so early on. I hope to continue to learn more, and fully intend to read more C.S. Lewis in order to see how he came to believe as strongly what he dedicated his life to.